Er... Hello, Pinkie Pie. You want me to review your latest script? Sure... I need to introduce myself in case some strange beings from beyond this dimension are listening to us? Okay, doesn’t sound stranger then some of your earlier baking recipes. My name is Maud Pie and I am here to spend some time with my little sister. So let's get this started.
It is nice to see that you got a lot more orderly and started to clean up after giant battles with the forces of Tartarus. Do you remember how your sisters usually had to clean up after your parties? I sure do. Oh well but you still needed some bits to pay for the costs and by some bits I mean a lot of bits, as many bits as you have thrown parties. Your first plans did involve interaction with other universes, magicians, time travel and the ruler of Tartarus but nothing did work. Strange, I have the sudden urge to yell at this ruler person who refused to help you. Oh well, you finally managed to get the needed bits with the biggest bake sale ever. I always knew that your ability to be in more places at once is useful. I bet you didn't even need the flux capacitor from this Doctor guy and it was more of a good luck charm.
You already made so many episodes of your Variety Show? Big sister is so proud. But full body pony suits sound a bit dangerous, like they would make identity theft very easy. What do you mean they are even canon? Your party cannon is completely different. I wonder how I missed hearing about those, I didn't live under a rock for all the past years. Through that sounds really tempting. And you had so nice things with your friends like a dance competition with Prince Blueblood and fusing and swapping ponies. Pinkie, you had tried an espresso before you wrote this script, haven't you? Where did this What-if-machine come from? You build it yourself with some “borrowed” parts from that Doctor guy?
Did you ask him? Well, if he threw away the parts then I guess he won't miss them. Do you keep inviting him to make up for it? He sure shows up quite often here. Besides that you did so much from answering letters to meeting nice girls like Megan and Spectral Rush, Nightmare Night disguises, vacuuming up dark illusion spells, having fun with visitors from other dimensions and with adorable children. I am not too surprised considering the things you did back at the farm. Do you remember the giant enemy crab robot you built and how your sisters had to hit it for massive damage? Good times. One of the most famous battles that ever happened on a rock farm and no rocks were hurt.
But you don't need to afraid of the end. Somehow... somehow I know that an end is just part of a good story. Videogames sure love their endings and usually pack the best stuff in there and can you imagine a book without an ending? All the pages would fall out if you remove the back of the book. I remember the next part! We really should have installed a skylight before using a giant telescope to look into the sun. At least we didn't set the studio on fire like Mr. Mushi is in his exile at the sun. I wonder if he can measure the time spent there, maybe he could count the rotations of the planets? I think the sun flower arrangement actually spells out something. And it is not appropriate for my little sister to see such filthy words. If rocks are that dirty, they need to be cleaned for a long time to get them to shine.
Strange how many wish for ponies to easily overcome all of their obstacles, I guess they mean well but those ponies still need a challenge from time to time or it will get boring to watch. I am sure my sister would find it funny to see something that would have given them trouble two seasons ago being overcome much easier. And Celestia's dark secret is that she hates tea and slowly made cake more important? Sounds more like a story for the tabloids. Apparently she doesn't like snakes as well. Rocks are much better pets anyway. They eat nothing, drink nothing, never leave a mess behind and even hiss much less then snakes. Next we have a battle between sparkling vampire ponies and identical ninja ponies. Now that I think about it, actually not much of a surprise to see the large group of identical ninja mooks lose against the six unique vampires. I did learn a thing or two how stories work from Pinkie Pie. Who I prefer? Vampires? Ninjas? Pirates? No, rocks are my favourite. And finally Pinkie Pie and her friends become Alicorns and face off against the son of Morning Star. I wonder who the mother was...
Then we have a few suggestions of tropes. None of them involve rocks unfortunately. I dunno I think the part about your farmer friend be willing to let her trees go if they wanted to live their own lives is more heartwarming then awesome. But the what-if-machine has a few more things to say. It shows Morning Star's son slithering around the minds of ponies to bring out the worst in them while Justitia tries her hardest to combat his influence, very literally as the two soon begin to fight. Next Shining Armor (as a pilot) finds himself confronting an AI version of his wife wanting to take over the world and make Shining fall in love wit her. Not necessary in that order. Eventually her mind magic makes him lose control until the real Cadence counters with her own music and the siren is defeated when Shining rams his plane into her computer core. He survives thanks to his shields but I wonder if this version of him had better aim. Maybe there is a reason that he rammed the core instead of firing on it.
It seems we don't have the best track record with machine gods. One instantly decides to eat the brains of every sapient being, did they activate the zombie setting by accident? Oh well it didn't come far since the concept of the fool “accidentally” manufactured a slight design flaw into it. The next one is actually not evil, it just views hope, ideals and fantasies as the direct path to evil and wants to remove them. But it is facing my sister as an Alicorn now named Thalia. Wait, if she kicked the machine to get this visions, do I get to see an Alicorn version of myself if I kick it too? But unlike the last one this machine puts up a fight and Thalia gets hit multiple times by giant lasers and sharp wires, yet instead of being injured she becomes her previous selves: a young Alicorn, G4 Pinkie Pie, G 3,5 Pinkie Pie and eventually Surprise. In the end the machine is defeated and with its final words it begs the Alicorn to take good care of the stories for it. What a strangely sad end.
Er... Pinkie Pie? I feel like I just talked more then in my entire life before. How about you handle the rest of the script while I take a break? I would like to see how you do it usually.
Sure! Sure! Hey! Guess whose back! The pony with the pink! Our exiting story continues with my dear sister on her epic quest to get party supplies. Little did she know that the Evil Dark Lord hid them in 8 dungeons and she had to traverse the entire map of Equestria to... Wait a minute. Wrong script. Instead Maudie encountered a stallion with a mustache. Oh!! He must be evil if it is one of those twirly mustaches. And he has a cutie mark of himself. Does this mean his cutie mark self has a tiny cutie mark of himself and that tiny cutie mark again has an even tinier cutie mark? My head begins to hurt. Or is he just very good at being himself? And then he talks about how altruism is the road to evil. Ugh. I wonder what the machine god from the previous scene would have said to that. Probably something like “Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!”
But now to the ponies that matter the most to me: my friends! They are all invited and their big siblings too! Then a timeskip happens and everybody arrives: Rarity, Sweetie, Applejack, Big Mac, Fluttershy and Fluttercruel, Twilight, Shining Armor, Cadence Kifuko and Midnight. Big Mac certainly feels a bit average next to the stallion who married a princess, has these brightly colored shields and helped to save the world. Then it gets WORSE. I just talked in all caps so bad did it get. Three perfect stallions more beautiful and powerful then anybody else and with sparkling teeth enter the studio. Their teeth are vampires! Ah! Run! Who those three are? Fluttershy's big brother Zooming Confidence whose support is the only reason that the shy pegasus managed to do anything, Light-Barrier who gets constantly worshiped by his little sister Rainbow Dash and Uniquely Belle who is even more ladylike then Rarity and manages to put the two babies present to sleep. The last one doesn’t sound as impressive if I say it like this…
Run for your life! It is the Invasion of the Mary Sues! The Night of the Living Mary Sues! The Final Sue Fantasy 13 now with even more linear hallways! And instantly whatever they claim to be good at comes into reality. Where did I put my anti-Sue weapons? I knew I had them just a minute ago. Maud, did you see them? Uniquely Belle did eat them? Now I feel like symbol swearing: exclamation mark, bracket, question mark… Okay, back to the script. Shining Armor is able to resist their spell and instantly everybody is against him and calls him an attention horse. Then Gilda bursts into this mess, poor griffin you have the worst timing. This is her second run-in with a Mary Sue. Rainbow Dash attacks her verbally before Light Barrier strikes physically and everybody cheers at the display of brutality. I think the reaction of the confused Cadence speaks for all of us. Shining tries to defend Gilda, he knows that she is much better then they claim but again he has everybody against him.
The only one who can clearly see what those three really are is the little blank wolf that is now with Sweetie Belle. He is even able to cure Sweetie Belle of their influence. But the Sues quickly notice and make everybody extra-aggressive against him. Now the bearers are ready to use their Elements against the poor puppy, I doubt Hasbro would ever want us to fight against little dogs. Unless we get a crossover with My Little Pet Shop… Eventually Sweetie is forced to use her own body as a shield for her little pet and Shining figures out that the three newcomers are not really their brothers, but Mary Sues like Nameless. This only leads to even more extra-aggressiveness against him but on the plus side it does distract the bearers from blasting anypony with their Elements. Hey, I am looking very hard for positive things here. We need a distraction!
And the distraction turns out to be... drum-roll... Maud with the catering, who pulls so much weight at the same time that it makes Big Mac feel even more mundane in comparison. And big sis is just as confused as everybody would be to walk into a room to see the defenders of Equestria ready to blast an invisible puppy. Shining might be right, maybe there is some good in the three and they want to be part of the family but only know the Sue way of life? On the other side I think Maud appreciates how understated the reaction to her arrival is, she always likes it more subtle. But Shining knows an easy Mary Sue test, they can never resist talking about themselves or making others talk about themselves. And the three manage to score an “A+++”! Congratulations! You are all horrible Sues! Unlike Maud, she failed the Sue test. Sorry sis how about some rock ice cream to get over it? Wait a minute, that is the kind of test nopony wants to pass! You can still have some ice cream through.
Strange that Maud actually doesn’t like these three. Yes, they are ultra-annoying but usually the Sue effect is to force everybody to love them no matter what, even rocks. Like bad shipping fanfiction! Now everypony gets extra-insulting to Maudie because she doesn’t worship the ground the Sues walk on. Can it get any worse? I shouldn’t have said that. Not even Shining’s attempts to point out the glaring contradiction and jerkness of the situation seems to do much about it. But together with Cadence he might be able to turn this game around by putting more focus on Maudie. Until another Sue interrupts the party with her water magic, it is a Canon Sue: Cessie the Kelpie. What is a Canon Sue? No, that a Mary Sue with a cannon but a Mary Sue from the heart world. Yes even the show and the comic can produce them. She can instantly control anypony with her songs, even the Dazzlings had to put some effort into it. I had a good idea with earplugs but it doesn't take long until somezombie pulls them out. Even the other Sues are easily overpowered but apparently being a Sue makes you immune against the Sue effect. Somebody needs to sue her.
Oh! And Cadence is also immune since it is still her concept of music that is used to enslave others. Strangely enough the Kelpie just leaves after threatening to send all brainwashed ponies at once at her, that's smarter then the average Sue for sure. However Cessie finds herself faced with forcefields powered by the power of adorableness (1,21 gigawatts in case you're wondering) of Kifuko and Midnight. Now it is time for Cadence to fight against the Kelpie with the backup of the Blank Wolf and the Opaque Wolf and Sweetie Belle. Cessie takes this turn of events well (just imagine me making a Liarjack face here) and the forces of water magic and sonic blasts, wolf attacks and dark magic clash. Suddenly the Kelpie whips out her special surprise, the most annoying attack stolen right out of Kingdom Hearts 2. I always wondered why you get a game over when you don't destroy the water clones in time, nothing happens to you, the game just ends. Maybe the characters are just really sad that they couldn't win at the challenge, give up and go on a vacation?
Well, the hero with the keyblade would have wished to have those fast wolves as backup as they make mincemeat out of the water constructs. Then Sweetie Belle's dark magic actually injures Cessie and yeah here she really isn't likeable at all. Because if she left her friends behind to conquer another world and used the water sprites as shields then the only nice thing about her goes poof. How will the ponies endure Cessie's monologing? Will anypony notice the three other Mary Sues or will they spend the rest of the party staring at the wall? Has Big Mac the chance to overcome his self-esteem issues and find true love? Will Maud smile with us? Take a look at the next chapter to find out, same pony channel, same pony time. And at the end I have a nice surprise for Maudie in the form of rocks shaped like stars, you might call them rock stars.